nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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