non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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