i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
