I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
