Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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