when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
