My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
