You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
