so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
