What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
