I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
