pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
