I wish I could teleport
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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