We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
