Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
