Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
