He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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