I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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