you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
