So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
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