I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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