Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
