The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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