how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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