Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
