You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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