dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
