Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Come share oat with me in your robe
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
