Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
