I wish my penis had an off switch
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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