his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
