I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
