We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Randomize
