It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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