k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
