The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Randomize
