Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
