...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Screwed.edu
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
