Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize