toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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