I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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