i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
