My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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