I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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