Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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