Your face is a jimmy john
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
