bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
