Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
