i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
