On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
