Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
