I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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