4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Randomize
