Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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