so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
