I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
